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Dry Those Crocodile Tears!
By Lafe Tolliver, Esq
Guest Column
Well, what did you think! I mean really! Did you think
that the ol’ sly political fox Jack Ford could bamboozle
everyone?
I mean, come on, folks! Let’s get the cabbage out of
the mouth and speak plainly.
Jack Ford recently tried to pull a political slight
of hand mumbo jumbo with he running on the Democratic ticket
but then doing a back flip and registering to run as a
independent against State Senator Edna Brown.
Even the best political contortionist could not have
pulled those chestnuts out of the fire and not get burned.
From jump street, Jack Ford’s “eye-winking” reasons
for running against Edna Brown was an eye roller (backed
each time by his main cheer leader, Toledo Blade columnist
Keith Burris) for anyone who had two working brain cells.
As Jack would cast the story, he wanted to fight
heroin trafficking from Columbus (Note to Ford: You can
fight heroin addiction from Toledo!) and therefore in his
way of thinking, Edna Brown was expendable fodder for his
political gambit.
Jack’s brazen attempt to have his cake and eat it too
was brought to a halt when the local Democratic fat cats
decided to put some starch in their backbones and filed a
complaint against the political shenanigans of Jack “The
Knife” Ford.
They had to take Jack off of their shelf of
untouchables and bring him back to reality that Jack is not
the “King James” of local politics but rather he too must
play by the rules to which mere mortals are bound.
As I have said before in previous columns, Jack is
bored and needs to find an interesting hobby to absorb his
time. I suggested that he become a docent at the art museum
or a school crossing guard or a greeter at a local Wal-Mart
(Jack would look smartly dressed in their yellow or green
vest!) or even a driver for Meals on Wheels.
Why Jack thinks that his presence in Columbus is
mandatory or needful for northwest Ohio is a mystery without
end.
Thankfully and for the benefit of my readers, I was
able to purloin an advance copy of the recorded statement of
him gracefully bowing out of the upcoming political race.
Read it and tell me what you think:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
To: Media Outlets In Northwest Ohio
From: Jack Ford
Re: Withdrawal from state senate race
Date: Now
To all of my fans and family members and loyal true
blue Democratic Party members, I thank you for your support
in my attempt to subvert the rules of the party by trying to
run as a democrat but flipping to a independent label when
it was convenient for me.
As you know, I was running to address the issue of
heroin addiction and I thought that it could be best
addressed by being a state senator what with all of the
perks and salary that I have grown accustomed to during my
long political life.
This was not to be (loud wailing heard in the
background coming from Keith Burris) and I must bow out.
Why did I decide to challenge my friend, Edna Brown? It
was my unchecked political ego and pure vanity on my part. I
thought that the name of Jack Ford would knock down any
obstacle. I was wrong. (More loud crying and weeping from
Keith Burris).
Was I being a political cutthroat by what I was doing
to Edna? You will have to be the judge on that. All I know
is that I am Jack Ford and I am used to getting what I want
and when I want it!
Have I done things in my political past that I would
have done differently? I doubt it. This is the way that I
am.
Will northwest Ohio be the lesser without me? Sure! But
only you can determine that (again more gnashing of teeth
and shouts of despair from Keith Burris).
Hopefully, I will have a hearing on this filed
complaint so I can tell my side of the story, even if it
does not make any sense. The hearing commission needs to
hear of my political exploits and maybe, just maybe they
will grant me an exemption and I can run against Edna Brown,
split the democratic vote and thus allow the Republican
candidate to handily win.
I don’t care about that vote split. I only care about
my goals and me.
( Keith Burris yells out, “Jack, I love you!”).
So, I will gracefully exit this political race and sit
down with my chief counselor, Carty Finkbeiner, and plan and
plot my next move to stay in the limelight and make sure
everyone knows the greatness of Jack Ford
( Keith Burris cries out, “Jack Ford Forever!”).
In closing, I will entertain no questions because no
one should ever question Jack Ford! (Keith Burris then
blindly rushes the podium and shrieks out, “Oh, the grievous
loss to Ohio, it will never recover!”).
At this point in time, my secret associate finishes the
taping and leaves the invitation only meeting with Jack Ford
and Keith Burris wailing in each other arms. A peculiar
sight to behold.
Contact Lafe Tolliver at
Tolliver@Juno.com |
