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It is the beginning of the
school year and regardless of your children’s ages or
grades, there are many things that parents and/or guardians
must communicate for children to learn to be safe, healthy,
successful, determined and motivated and most of all full of
hope.
They have their whole
lives ahead of them but someone, somebody, must instill
words of wisdom and be able to successfully communicate for
their own success and future as they grown into adulthood.
As a clinical therapist I have raised two boys as a single
mother, but I have never held back on the communication
key. My children are 12 years apart but that never made a
difference.
Fortunately, they had
fathers – although different – who were willing to
communicate words of wisdom towards their own future
success. As I see it, who would not want their own children
to be successful? But it begins with communication.
I understand there is a
plethora of family issues surrounding custody and “baby
daddies and baby mommas” which were not always positive, but
we can often forget the most important common denominator in
the relationships is our CHILDREN.
Being a single parent is
not easy. Often employers see women who seek work as weak
when they will want or need time off for doctors’
appointments, teacher meetings, etc. but unless we work, the
bills are unpaid and often the math equation between working
and the cost of day care is daunting. Many of us feel we are
only working to pay for the cost of daycare. We can become
depressed, isolated, angry and often lose hope.
Counseling is a great way
for single mothers and couples to regroup and figure out
their best strategy for their unique situation. Whatever
your situation is please take a mental health moment and
think about the things you are communicating to your
children or grandchildren, foster children, any children
because it goes a long way.
My oldest son Aaron is a
junior at Towson University in Maryland. I have spoken
openly to him all his life. While we lived in the
Washington DC area we visited the gay pride festival, he
asked me many questions and I answered them point blank. I
felt no problem in assisting him in understanding why two
men or women were kissing and holding hands. I taught him
not to judge and to focus on his own needs and wants because
nobody else’s business would do him no good and would be a
waste of time. As I prepared this article, my son Aaron
wished to contribute his side of entering college life and
here are his questions and my answers:
During his freshman year:
Aaron asked:
Why was I expected to join black fraternity?
His father and I answered
you can join whatever fraternity you wish, fraternities are
supposed to have positive values especially when you are
entering college you keep you focused and its not just about
getting girls, sex or drugs.
Aaron asked:
What do I do about my girlfriend from high school who chose
to go to another college in another state?
His father and I answered
to keep in contact, it is your first love and there are
always going to be a lot of emotions involved but it is
something that you must decide upon. Do you keep a
long-distance relationship, or do you openly date other
people?
Aaron asked:
What do I do if I’m offered at a party weed or other types
of drugs and peer pressure is on me in the moment?
Mom told me to remove
myself from the situation such as, “oh wow I left my phone
in the bathroom I will be right back and LEAVE! You need no
explanation to no one.
Aaron asked:
Mom I’m a virgin what happens if a girl wants to have sex?
What happens if I want to have sex?
Both his father and I
answered, sex is part of the human condition and its normal
and natural. Be prepared, have protection, ensure that
neither of you are under the influence, she is over the age
of 18 and willing….”no means no” on both of your parts. You
have a lifetime to engage in sex.
Aaron, a Junior at Towson
University in Maryland, has decided upon his major after a
football injury. “Mom, I’d rather help people as a surgeon
in sports medicine, football was not for me and if it were
not for that experience I would not have even thought about
going into that type of major.”
As a parent I was
concerned about drugs, sex and alcohol. My son was honored
that his father and I sat him down not only once, but twice
or three times, and that we are in constant contact about
whatever questions he has about life in general. It has
built up his self-esteem and confidence to make positive
decisions, he does not drink alcohol or engage in drugs. He
has a girlfriend long distance who serves in the Navy on
active duty as border patrol.
“Mom I don’t know what my
life will look like in five or 10 years, I don’t know if
this is the woman I will marry but one thing for sure I know
if I have any questions, I feel comfortable asking you and
my dad about anything because I know I will always receive
an honest answer and room for me to make my own decisions in
which I know you both will support. “
“Dr. Martin Luther
king quoted
"Men (and women) often hate each other because they fear
each other; they fear each other because they don't know
each other; they don't know each other because they can not
communicate; they can not communicate because they are
separated." (Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story)”
Know your children, talk to your children, what is the worst
that would possibly happen. For more information about
communicating with your children visit http://starttalking.ohio.gov/
Please contact me at my private practice for more
information or appointments for you, your children or family
at 419-409-4929.
Bernadette Graham is a Licensed Professional Counselor,
National Certified Counselor and Certified Grief Recovery
Specialist.
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