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Valorie Burton is a bestselling author, speaker, and life
coach – dedicated to helping individuals navigate life
challenges. She is a regular guest on the TODAY show and has
also appeared on the Dr. Oz Show, CNN, HLN and hundreds of
other radio and television shows.
Burton recently appeared in Toledo on behalf of United Way’s
Women’s Initiative to support a literacy
effort in the city’s most economically challenged
neighborhoods. This week’s column includes Burton’s
responses to the unique life challenges faced by
African-American women and girls.
Perryman:
I would like to talk with you a bit about the plight of
black girls, and women, in America. I am particularly
interested in your thoughts on the particular challenges
where gender intersects with race, or class and how African
Americans can effectively deal with the pain that often
results from the collision of those elements.
Burton:
I think as black females, we’re not celebrated very much in
our culture. And when we are it’s often for the wrong
reasons. And I like to look at it in this way: I think that
we collectively have a lot of emotional – how would I say
it? –
Perryman:
Baggage?
Burton:
Baggage is so negative. A lot of it is baggage, but it’s
even deeper than that. It is just what you deal with on an
everyday basis, the consciousness of caring how people
perceive you or whether you were treated fairly. It’s being
able to get over all of that. For example, like many women
of color, especially black women, my parents taught me I
needed to be two or three times better if I was to compete.
And also, to not ever really expect to be judged on the same
playing field, that it wasn’t level, and that’s just what it
is. So, if you want to compete, and to succeed, you need to
be two or three times better. And I accepted that at a very
young age. That’s a lot of pressure to take on as a child -
to accept that you’re not going to be accepted in the same
way that your peers will. And so, emotionally, what that
does to you, the pressure that that puts on you to know that
somehow your very being isn’t enough, that you constantly
must prove yourself at a different level is a lot.
Now, those who don’t get that message face
even greater challenges, because then you don’t even have
the level of awareness of the issues you need to be
concerned with. I think you can find stuff in a situation
that’s unfair, and you don’t even necessarily understand
why. I realize that in the environment that we’re in, it is
what it is. As African
Americans
we
have to say, “Okay, this is what it is, now,
how are we going to deal with it, overcome it?” And I think
a lot of that has to do with helping young women get clear
about their fears, as well as their vision; letting go of
excuses, and blame, and recognizing that you have a great
opportunity in front of you. There might be a lot of work
that needs to be done. But what can you do with what you
have? And so that’s a message that I don’t think always
gets said loudly enough, because of the frustration that we
have that that’s unfair, but can we change that it’s
unfair? I hate to say that it’s unfair. On an individual
level, we can change our response to it. And I think as a
community, letting go of that blame in favor of, “Okay, so
what can we do?” I think a lot of people don’t like to talk
about that.Those are some of my thoughts around some of our
racial issues.
Perryman:
How do young women deal with the misogynist culture pumped
out by the entertainment media?
Burton:
When I look in the entertainment world, sometimes when I
look at the political world, I’m not so sure that our role
models are doing very well by our black girls in terms of
the images that they see as being positive. I’ve done quite
a bit of television and,
in fact, had opportunities that have opened my eyes as to
what goes on in our media. I was up for a show a couple of
years ago on one of the major networks, not a cable network,
and they wanted a black female. They wanted her to be a
professional; they preferred a PhD, but they would take an
Ivy League master’s degree, but they wanted the neck
rolling, finger-snapping, loud. I’m like, “So, let me get
this straight, “Y’all want a combination of Michelle Obama,
and –
Perryman:
Rachet. [Laughter]
Burton:
Ignorant, rude, loud and over sexualized! Yeah, and that’s
what I’m saying. I was sitting in a room with the
president
of the network; this is what they were looking for. But this
is not what they were looking for in the white counterpart.
The truth is the media has options, but they choose the
options that perpetuate the stereotypes, and then when we
have young women who don’t have strong parents, that are
leading them, those become their role models of what they
need to do, and who they need to be. As a community, I think
we need to be more aware of that, step up, and make a
difference for those young women who don’t have role models,
and are looking to media to tell them who they are.
Perryman:
I noticed on your Website an endorsement of your work from
T.D. Jakes, and also in your spiritual but research-backed
approach, that you’re a person of faith. Black women seem to
fight for, and support black men who don’t seem to support
them.
Burton:
Yes.
Perryman:
How do women deal with patriarchal structures to which they
contribute, whether you’re talking about the civil rights
movement, or in the black church, where women
disproportionately support the church with their money and
unpaid labor, but are absent in leadership.
Burton:
Well, I think within the church there’s a lot of varying
opinions on that. I think we do need to serve, and I think
we need to lead. On a personal and relationship level, I
think we are going to have to widen our scope of what a good
man is. Black women have been very loyal to black men, and I
love black men. However, the fact of the matter, is the
reason that we have this marriage gap is because the number
of eligible black men to black women is a very low. And so,
you have a lot of women who are just waiting, and waiting,
and they have narrowed their scope, and I’m like, “You need
to open up your options, if marriage and family is what you
want.”
Although it’s been normal for black men to
date outside of their race, it hasn’t been for black women.
For black women, that is going to have to change, otherwise
what you’re going to have is a lot of black women who are
good women, who are very spiritual, faith-filled, and who
would make great mothers and wives, but who are never
getting married and have children.
Perryman:
Talk about intra-fighting among women that occurs, perhaps,
as a result of the tremendous competition for the few
available black males?
Burton:
Most issues of fighting, being stuck, etc., among women, is
about fear. I have so many strong,
close friends so I don’t really relate. But I will say a lot
of women have had the experience I had very young - of being
taunted, and talked about negatively for not being black
enough, or getting good grades, blah, blah, blah. I’d like
to think that that stopped when I was in the fifth grade.
When I go talk to young people they’re having the same
issues today. And it’s a self-hate issue, because really
what we’re saying is we don’t have a right to be many
different things. All we have a right to do is sit with
some sort of stereotype, and sometimes it comes out in that
way. However, when we begin to operate out of love, and
begin to see our own beauty, and stop allowing culture to
define what that looks like, which takes a lot of
self-reflection, I think that it’s very easy to disarm a
hateful woman. I don’t know how you do that outside of a
relationship with God, and understanding who you really are,
and that you have a purpose, and that purpose is to uplift,
and not tear down. But I know you do that with love. You do
that by not reacting negatively to other weomen, but by
responding with truth, with kindness. It’s kind of hard to
keep being angry with somebody that’s being loving to you,
and really when people are lashing out like that it’s out of
their own fear that they’re not good enough; it’s the pain.
Perryman:
Let’s conclude with some of your thoughts on the issue of
domestic violence.
Burton:
Wow. Yeah. That’s really about boundaries, and what you
learn at a very young age about what’s acceptable, and not
acceptable, and what your value is. Unfortunately, with the
breakdown of the family, not just divorce, or people never
getting married, I think the statistic is like 32-33 percent
of black children ever live with both of their parents. But,
particularly when you have abusive situations, sometimes
it’s not the abuse you see, but the neglect and what that
tells someone about their worth. It tells them that the very
people who bore them are not interested in being in their
lives.
So, domestic violence from my perspective is
really an issue of self-worth, and when you build your
self-worth you’re going to have very clear boundaries about
what is acceptable, and what is not, and the first time you
see any inkling that someone might not respect you, or value
you, you’re done. There is no second chance. That’s what I
was taught. There is, in our community, a history of not
talking about domestic violence just like there’s a history
of not talking about depression, or about incest, and other
things, so it tends to be underreported in our community.
But ultimately, those women who leave and get
out of those situations are the women who finally decide
that they are going to value themselves, ask for help. It’s
not easy. It takes a great deal of courage to exit out of
those circumstances. So, if we could help women to value
themselves, more, then they won’t even attract, or allow men
into their lives who don’t also value them. And there are
signs someone’s controlling; you fly off the handle very
quickly, and a lot of times it’s not something specific,
it’s just you know in your spirit, and you don’t follow your
instincts. And I think that’s the biggest mistake all of us
make, not just when it comes to domestic violence, but in a
lot of different scenarios.
Perryman:
Right. About following the spirit within.
Burton:
Yeah. You know. You know that something didn’t feel right;
it didn’t feel comfortable. So you keep moving forward, or
you otherwise let somebody subject you.
Contact Rev. Donald Perryman, D.Min, at
drdlperryman@centerofhopebaptist.org
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