President Trump, when you speak of arming teachers in the
public schools, would part of the incentive package for
teachers to come forward include hazard pay for duties that
are beyond the teaching of math and science and biology?
(a pause and blank eye stare)...The incentives would be huge
and amazing! I am thinking at least a two dollar an hour
raise for those teachers who volunteer.
President Trump, would it be proper to also provide those
teachers who volunteer to be the front line of defense for
the students a paid-up double indemnity life insurance
policy of least
one million dollars
with premiums paid by the federal government if they lost
their lives trying to eliminate an active shooter in their
(a longer pause but with the same blank stare)...That is an
I will have my
chief of staff, John Kelly...if he is still around by that
time... to look into the costs of doing that and if so, I
will put it in my budget for building that wall along the
What would be the liability to the teacher or the school
district in the event that the teacher misfires the gun and
injures or kills a student or another teacher in his or her
rush in trying to take out the active shooter?
(an even longer pause with the same stare)...We would have
to consider the student or teacher who gets shot by another
teacher as collateral damage and no liability. Hey, we can’t
think of everything! Everybody has got to share the risks!
Would it only be fair to include in any additional
incentives package for a teacher to wear a weapon that if
they are shot and killed that the federal government pays
for their funeral expenses?
(a super long pause and now both eyes with a blank
stare)...Hey! No more freebies! These teachers gotta have
some skin in the game! This is an occupational hazard of
being a teacher in America!
What are the procedures or protocols if someone breaks into
the school and steals the teachers’ guns and uses them in a
crime. Who is liable?...the school district or the White
( a super, super long pause and both eyes beginning to
slowly close)...Hey! We can’t guarantee anything...we are
just talking in order to buy more time so that this
conversation will move on to another topic!
President Trump, my listeners tell me that no black teacher
should agree to be armed because once the police arrive and
they see a black person with a gun, they will automatically
open fire on that black person and ask questions later. What
do you think?
(no more pauses and eyes wide open)... Ben Carson and I
thought about that and we have made provisions for that
scenario. Each armed black teacher at an all white school
would be required to wear a white suit and blue tie and they
will be provided with a large orange and black neon sign to
hang around their neck that says: “Don’t Shoot...I’m The
Mr. President, that is all fine and good but what about
white teachers who teach in predominately black and Hispanic
schools. What is their protection against being wrongfully
targeted as the shooter when the police arrive and see them
with a gun?
Ha! Not a problem. White cops instinctively know not to
shoot white teachers! Was that a trick question?
President Trump, you obviously repeated the speaking points
first uttered by the head of the NRA that we need to
“harden” our schools and not soften them. What do you mean
by, “hardening” the schools?
I am glad you asked that question! This is what you do when
you harden a school: (1) no glass windows in any classroom
or glass panes in any doors (2) barb wire around all
entrances (3) elevated gun posts that can survey within one
mile around the school’s perimeter (4) if a shooter gets in
one of the schools after all of that, we will have pit bulls
stationed in the hallways to attack them (5) if they get
past the dogs, we will have iron gates drop from the ceiling
to stop their advance (6) if they get past the gates, we
will have several highly paid priests stationed along the
hallways to be ready to pray for the eventual shooting
victims (7) all students will be provided, at minimal cost
to them, Kevlar vests and bullet proof helmets. We are
working on a special buy with a national retailer that the
parents can buy the vest/helmet combo for $119.75 and no
tax! (8) the students and their teachers will eat their
lunches in their
homerooms to avoid
any mass cafeteria shootings and lastly (9), “Thanks and
Prayers” go out for any teacher who willingly places their
body between the shooter and the students.
(I am stunned by those answers and sit there for a moment to
collect my thoughts)...Mr President! Are you in your right
mind with those outlandish proposals?
(he stands up and puts on his now famous red cap and yells,
“The Second Amendment...now and forever!”