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The month of October is Domestic
Violence Awareness Month, and in an effort to round up D V
offenders, Toledo Police recently arrested 110 suspects.
Four local Naturalistas met
last week to share their experiences, noting that many
causes receive a lot of attention and awareness, but
domestic violence, especially in the African-American
community, goes on without being brought to the light. It
has long been something swept under the rug and prayed
about.
Latisha Williams began the
conversation with her experience. She said that one of her
biggest challenges was that she felt her story was not
significant enough to share with others. What was a big deal
to her was written off by others since she recalls the abuse
she experienced was primarily verbal.
Over time, the verbal abuse
leads to physical altercations and, in Latisha’s case, an
altercation she had with her then live-in boyfriend led to
an injury.
Instead of people around her
being concerned that something was going on, they laughed
and did not take it seriously. When she realized that she
wanted the abuse to end, while her boyfriend was out on a
walk, she called a friend who lived nearby to help her move
out.
She was able to file a
temporary restraining order against him. In an unrelated
incident, he was arrested and jailed, but escaped. She was
notified by police, and kept the TRO intact. He was later
captured and is currently incarcerated.
Latisha stated that her
triumphs are knowing that she would never live through that
again and that telling her story is significant, because she
realizes that it could help someone else. She has moved
beyond the abuse to become a model, actress and also teaches
community coupon classes, coining the name “Frugalicious
Diva.”
Monica Mitchell’s biggest
challenge was that domestic violence for her began when she
was a child. An immediate member of her family began
bringing negativity into her life, telling her she would
never amount to anything and that she would have a lot of
kids and wind up on welfare.
She recalled being tied to a pole as a child, feeling
unwanted and unloved. She carried this into adulthood and
eventually she became a mother of two and married to someone
just like her abusive family member. She calls it “jumping
out of the skillet into a frying pan.”
Her husband picked up where
someone else left off. Her moment of truth was when he took
a whole lamp post from the ground, with the cement still
intact, and swung it at her. He missed her head and the lamp
post went through the large screen television in their home.
Because she was fed up, she
began making plans to get out of her situation. To combat
the sentence her family member tried to impose on her and
had continued with her husband , she had a tubal ligation at
age 21. She then completed her education and received a GED.
She obtained her driver’s license and enrolled in college.
She then bought a van, which
her husband took from her, but she continued moving forward
with her plans. She saved up and bought another van. With
each achievement, her husband became more jealous and
abusive. Yet she stopped the cycle of abuse by setting a
goal and then working toward it step-by-step.
She opened her own daycare,
purchased a home and called the police on her husband. When
he was removed from the home, she filed for a divorce on her
own, which cost only $11.
Monica found a way to turn
tragedy into triumph by empowering herself to freedom from
the cycle of abuse that began in her childhood. She credits
God and His spirit that dwells in her for becoming
victorious over the cycles of abuse.
Even when she reached
plateaus and road blocks, God gave her a resilience to keep
going and break through. This too, is what brought her to a
place of self acceptance. Embracing her flaws and loving
herself enough to break the curse has brought forth a
natural glow that only God can give.
Over the years, Ramona
Collins, local jazz vocalist, has shared her story with
several women who have endured domestic violence. She notes
that many women in music, especially singers, seem to have,
or do face, instances of domestic violence.
In disbelief, she remembers
when her ex-husband hit her so hard, he knocked her out.
When she came to, he was leaning over her with a wet cloth
and she could not hear.
After realizing that this was
the start of something very bad, the biggest challenge she
would face was finding a way out of the situation. She later
managed to divorce him without it causing any further harm
to her or her family.
Because music was always a
part of her life – her mom having been a musician as well –
she continues to share her gift with others, not allowing
the affects of abuse to silence her. The ability to
appreciate herself, as is evident from the arch of her brows
to her bowed lips, high cheekbones and oily skin, Ramona
says that her features serve her very well in her senior
years and they are all natural. Even the family trait of the
widow’s peak is something she embraces and as she graces
stages all around the region. It is evident that she loves
herself, her music and her audience.
For this contributor,
surviving domestic violence was a triumph I once never
thought I’d realize. Living through it was like being buried
alive. The weight of abuse was so heavy that, when broken
and of a low countenance, I found it hard to see my way out.
Having been raised a
Christian, I have always known that prayer was essential for
living, but when I realized I was being cheated on, pushed
around, taunted, intimidated and controlled, I found it hard
to cry out for help.
I had been taught to be
quiet; not “tell all my business’, and to take everything to
God in prayer.” So naturally, when the abuse began, if I did
not have the strength to even call on the Lord, calling the
police also was not an option.
My biggest challenge was
acknowledging that I was being abused. I did not see it
right away because it was just words and isolation. This, I
was later told, was more dangerous than having a spouse
physically harm you, because the scars from a fight could be
seen, while emotional scars are not.
Although verbal, emotional
and financial abuse are illegal, they are much harder to
prove and much are less likely to gain a response from law
enforcement, let alone recognized and judged upon in a court
of law.
This was my struggle, proving
the abuse. Because I lived in Louisiana at the time, I was
forced to endure the abuse without anyone to call on for
help, and when I finally called the police, I was
interrogated because I had not call them right away.
No arrests were ever made, no
one came to rescue me and even throughout the divorce, the
judge did not rule in my favor.
Having been a stay-at-home
mom, I had no income, and moved back to Toledo with my
children with the clothes on their backs. The judge frowned
upon that and decided that I did not have the financial
wherewithal to care for myself or my children.
Feeling betrayed and put off,
I did something that so many women do when they go through a
difficult experience, I cut off all my relaxed hair and went
natural. I did it to not only be more money conscious, but
also because it made me feel connected to a culture of
people I had come to admire while living in Louisiana.
I needed to connect with
someone or something other than that which was causing such
pain. Seeing so many women who had natural hair, wore head
wraps and had glowing skin, I wanted to feel that kind of
beautiful, too.
Going natural was first thing
I ever did that made me feel free. I now use that experience
to help others accept their imperfections as blessings as
well. It has never been about the hair alone. Hair has
roots, and beneath those roots is a world of experiences to
explore.
There are so many real women
within our community, who continue to suffer in silence.
Social media have made the tragic killing of innocent
victims the newsworthy stories that are told, repeatedly,
but leave out the more than 20,000 victims in the U.S. who
experience some form of domestic violence each day.
More often than not, many
victims will never call the police because they feel that
their abuse isn’t as bad as something they have seen on TV.
Many women never leave
because they don’t feel that they can survive financially
without their spouse. Some women of faith hope that prayer
will change things.
Domestic violence is
something that happens every day and no matter how it
happens, it is wrong. As a community, we can help others
overcome by raising awareness – the official D V Awareness
color is purple – taking a stand and speaking out against
it.
If you or someone you know is
a victim of domestic violence, please call 911, contact our
local agencies for assistance or visit www.ncadv.org to
learn how you can help.
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